#GodOnlyKnows

***A few disclaimers right off the bat***

1. I am not drunk.

2. This is not a religious post.

3.  Shit's about to get real deep/sad.

4.  Not looking for consolation...just a space to get this off my chest.

  December 16th I woke up to an early morning phone call that one of my best friends had died the night before in a drinking and driving accident.  Thankfully he didn't hit/hurt anyone else.  From what I have been told regarding his types of injuries, it's fairly certain that he died on impact.  Beyond our eight years working four nights a week side by side behind the bar, we had grown up together since grade school.  During that eight years working together, I was promoted to general bar manager and he was always by my side as my "right hand man".   When I had a bad day he would sit me down and pour me a drink and make me talk it out.  Never did a birthday or Valentines Day pass without roses being hidden somewhere in the bar for me.  Every night after we closed the bar we would play the jukebox while we cleaned and stocked.  Occasionally he'd sneak in some Beach Boy's and pull me out from behind the bar and make me dance with him.  By far, one of the best memories would be going with him to the 2008 World Series and witnessing the Philadelphia Phillies bring a championship to our city for the first time in thirty years.  

  Unfortunately, we had a work related falling out that affected our friendship from that point on. Something I never will fully be able to forgive myself for.  Three years ago I left that job in preparation for my move to NYC.  We would see each other from time to time, but it was nowhere near the level of warmth of how it had always been. Living away from home made this whole situation much easier to avoid.  I went back for the funeral and for a fundraiser that I organized for his 11 month old daughter.   That's it.  Other than long talks with his fiancee on her really hard days, I've successfully avoided the whole situation.

  Until today.

 Until today most of the emotion I felt was anger.  Not at God or life...but at him for drinking and driving.  Angry at all my friends back home getting drunk to cope and getting behind the wheel of a car.  Putting themselves at risk to face the same fate.  Sadness has only hit me a few times out of the blue.  Tonight is one of those times.  I've been in a really terrible situation financially recently.  In order to have a hope to catch up on rent I picked up a second job.  I'm working with a great team of people opening up a new bar.  It hit me hard today though realizing it's not MY team.  Bar staff is a family.  It takes time to develop that bond.  Even years sometimes.  Although my new coworkers seem really great, its not the same.  Every time I learn a new tip or skill in this new job I think of him immediately. "I need to text K and tell him about this! He'd be so impressed!!"  Each time feels like a tiny hand punching me in the gut just hard enough to bring tears to my eyes.  It's the fucking worst.

*** God only knows what I'd be without you....and now I do too....and it sucks. I love you friend. ***