#Exposed

This entry is dually purposed.  I have my own personal message to get across at the bottom of this but I also hope it helps bring comfort to any cam models that may read this down the line if they find themselves in the same situation that I have encountered.  It does get better.

I always knew that my “dirty little secret” would someday come to the surface.  Interestingly enough though, it wasn’t a secret.  Well, not completely.  Most of my friends in NYC have known about my camming life since it started.  I kept it a secret from my people back home for a few different reasons.  I come from a small town outside of Philadelphia.  There’s not a whole lot to do there.  Boredom and complacency lead to gossip.  I can’t blame them.  I was one of them for many years.  I anticipated the worst reactions when my secret got out.  I had such little faith in how truly amazing all of my friends and family back home actually are. 

In November I was out watching an Eagles game in NYC with a friend from home.  I received this text from someone I have been friends with for about thirty years:

"Hello love 💕 

I just wanted to let you know that stupid *he who doesn’t need to be named* was showing people a webcam of you in the bar [that I used to manage and worked at for many many years]  this weekend like the big jerk head he is."

My heart crashed into my stomach.  Tears started uncontrollably flowing down my face.  Thankfully the person I was with was in on my secret and one of the greatest and oldest friends that I have in this life.  Everything for the next ten minutes is a frantic blackout.  I went right to my social media and owned up to everything before these THREE YEAR OLD PHOTOS circulated even more.  I wanted to get ahead of this freight train.  The feedback I received blew me away.  Over 130 comments and over 170 “reactions.”  EVERY SINGLE ONE POSITIVE.  These are some of my favorite responses.

• It’s good you don’t regret it... You shouldn’t have any regrets about it. I know others who have also been cam girls... and they are very happy. Don’t let anyone put you in a box or judge you. You’re in the right city.
• Never have regrets...You are gorgeous..run with it if it makes you happy!
• Yay!! Now more people can see how gorgeous and fun you are!!
• FUCKIN GET ITTTTTT YES GIRL
• Girl of course you rock at this! You have a freaking amazing personality. Love no matter what.
• If it has to do with PR and being all around an awesome person to be around it’s for you.  You know everyone by name when they walk in. No matter where you are, you have always made anyone feel welcome and loved. You've done this since you were a kid. You have a smart head on your shoulders and would never do anything that would sacrifice your own personal ideals. This is known by your people. That's why we love you. If this is your direction, I bet you're doing a fucking amazing job. Love you long time. 
• I’m not gonna lie, I had to google it and immediately thought, “and?”... people need better things in life to talk about. You’re the best and that will always be the truth.
• This is amazing. Own it, and people can never use it against you.
• You're well and happy. If anything else matters to anyone, they're a turd.
• You are truly one of the most stunning women, inside and out, i’ve ever had the pleasure of not only knowing but being friends with. from the first time i met you, you welcomed me with open arms, i’ve always looked up to you and i still do. it’s a shame that this person is clearly so bored with their life that they need to talk about you, someone should tell him jealousy and envy are ugly.
• I love that you are loving life in nyc! And I love that i know someone who is a cam girl!
• Do you girl, fuck everyone and their small minded assumptions (jealousy) you are awesome and I’m so happy for you!
• People that don't have anything going on with themselves (or got nothing better to do with their time) usually like to chirp about everybody else. Do you.
• You are beautiful inside and out, living your dream, jealous people who have no courage use words to try and take happiness from dare to live each day to the fullest. So proud of you. They should not even be acknowledged.
• Yay! I finally have a celebrity friend. Waited long enough. and good for you not giving a flying fuck! Fuck the haters!! 
• I think it's hot.
• Rock on and eff the haters, girl. you do you. nyc will always love and reward you for it. xx
• You seem so happy with yourself and life. Screw the people who want to try to bring that happiness down. Good for you girl! Keep kicking ass and taking names!
• So I will give you my unsolicited opinion bc I have seen you at bars many times!  Plus I know you’re cool and naysayers are just jealous haters . You could always quote Rage Against the machine ! That is my go to for haters . Fuck you I won’t do what you tell me ! Either way , fucking white people are crazy!
• Don't ever let anyone take away from your happiness, jealousy sucks. Just keep doing you and you'll be just fine.
• Girl.... I’m so proud and glad that you left and are livin your best fuckin life... remember when we were talking about you making that move!.. thank goodness you did it!
• Well I didn't hear it and Don't want to know. I Like you the way You Are!!!!! You're Good People and always have been as long as I've known. You take care of yourself Darlin.  Shine on you crazy diamond.

At this point even my tears were confused.  I was devastated, relieved, happy and generally mentally exhausted.  I went out that night hard.  Celebrating with my friends.  

I confronted the person that several people said they overheard speaking about me.  Saying they even saw him showing pictures of me to regulars at the bar.  His response, “I have no pictures of you on my phone. I wish you well and I bet you’re killing it.”  Something to that effect…  He thinks he’s smarter than I am, and that I don’t see his word manipulation.  I’m well aware that you may not have saved them, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have websites easily accessible.  A few names were brought to my attention and all of them apologized and assumed their level of guilt.  All of them saying they heard it from the same person.  That same person is the only one that isn’t assuming responsibility.  What hurt the most out of all of this was feeling betrayed by a friend.  My friend Kevin had come across pics of me a year earlier.  He contacted me immediately to warn me that it may have some negative repercussions down the line.  He also never shared what he had discovered with anyone else.  I’m not sure how that was such a difficult thing for the others to do.  

This was all seven months ago.  I’m not mad.  I’m still relieved.  I’m still a little scorned and that friendship is ruined beyond repair.  All it would have taken was a simple “I’m sorry.” My biggest fear was exposure.  Exposure of my legal name being combined with my stage name could lead to safety risks.  I’ve had some incidents in the past that have left me unsettled.  People harassing me with logos of former jobs in my chatrooms, people creating false Skype accounts pretending to be people I know in real life.  People saying they had seen me around and where I lived.  All of these situations I handled in my own way and made go away.  What people neglect to think about when they expose sex workers is the level of risk that comes with it.  It FAR outweighs the idle gossip.  We don’t have fake names to hide our shame.  We have them to protect ourselves.

Why am I telling you this so many months later? This month I have found a partner for the podcast I have been wanting to do for so many months.  I believe she is the perfect fit for what I want to accomplish.  We will only be featuring sex workers and activists.  I want to show all of you that not all sex workers are “victims.”  We aren’t ALL doing it because we “had no other opportunities” or because we have been wrapped up in sex trafficking systems.  I want to be a voice to help normalize these people from the taboos of our current society.  With the bipartisan laws being put into place right now attacking SW’s rights, we are losing so many people in our family.  Not by them quitting what they do, but by continuing to do what they need to do in an unsafe manner.  These laws are literally killing people that just want to make a living and not harm others.  Are there bad people in the SW's world?  Absolutely.  There are bad lawyers, bad doctors, bad cops, bad religious leaders and just plain bad people.  We don’t make practicing medicine illegal.  (fun fact: prostitutes were used to help men upon their return from long tours in combat not just by giving them “relief.”  They also reeducated them on standard civilization practices.  How to properly eat at a table, how to behave in a public setting, how to care for themselves through proper hygiene. The list goes on, but you get the point. Kind of like a medical/therapeutic profession in itself, no?)  What I’m trying to say is that you don’t punish the whole for the actions of a few.  We argue that there's something wrong with men making laws that affect women’s bodies.  I'd like to argue that there are non-sex workers making laws that affect sex workers.  This country is filled with a disgusting level of hypocrisy.   

To my “normie" friends:

I know that once this podcast launches, I’m subjecting myself to losing whatever anonymity I have left.  I don’t share my username with my “IRL friends” because I like to have an open platform to truly be myself.  This will change if I achieve what I’m hoping to achieve.  I know that although I fear it now, just as I feared the last exposure, it will end in relief.  It’s terrifying.  Please be kind.  Please know that I love every aspect of my current life.  I’m open to answering questions if you have them.  However, please understand that putting this out there is the scariest thing I have ever done. Thank you to everyone that's shown me so much love and support up until this point.  I will probably release this entry on my personal social media a little down the line…

To my SW friends:  Thank you.  Thank you for being a network of AMAZING people.  I can’t imagine how empty my life would feel if I were missing even one of you from it.  Going to the conventions and awards shows are my favorite trips because of all of you.  Such an amazing open group of people that don’t judge or discriminate.  I’m so lucky to have you.  Thank you for never making me feel like I wasn’t part of this special family.  xo