#BarEtiquette

I’ve always been a firm believer in the fact that EVERYONE needs to work at least one year in the “service industry.”  Whether it be in restaurants, retail or “beauty” fuckin’ do it.  If you haven’t done it, or haven’t been raised either by or alongside an industry veteran, there’s a pretty pretty pretty good chance you’re a dick.  I’m sure most of you dicks don’t mean to actually be a dick, but I’m also sure you probably are one.  There is nothing more humbling than being treated like your mother carried you for 9 months and squoze you out of her body for the sole purpose of catering to the needs of the aforementioned dick (probably you).

Well, after 18 years in the trenches, I have a few things to say.  What you’re about to hear is probably going to make me sound bitter.  Probably repetitious from other blogs/social media posts that have gone viral.  Probably going to make you self reflective.  Possibly make you angry with me (#1 sign that YOU’RE THE DICK!)  Hopefully make you laugh and maybe even want to high five me (cheers fellow veterans).  The truth is …. you’re not wrong.  I am bitter.  I am fed up.  I do love my job for the most part.  However, some of you fools have got to learn.  If I can help open the eyes of even one Chad (the “dick” will hereby be named Chad because I dated a guy named Chad and I’ve never met a bartender with that name.  Fuck you Chad.) then I’ve done my part.

Tips.  They’re like hugs without the awkward body contact. 

****Disclaimer: this section is in regards to American tipping standards****

Okay, let's not beat around the bush and go right for the throat.  Tipping. Why do I even need to touch on this??  I’ll tell you why.  Two words.  Fucking Millennials.  God damn.  I always had a suspicion that they sucked then Forbes confirmed it right here. There are two points in that article that really grind my gears.  “A survey last month by Bankrate.com found that many millennials say they are hard-pressed for cash and cannot afford to take a vacation.”  But you can afford to go out and drink, get takeout, dine-in and shop at Whole Foods?  Yeah, opting not to tip your server, who by the way makes around $5 an hour, is totally going to pay for that backpacking trip around Europe, Chad.  NAILED IT.  It’s simple.  If you can’t afford to tip, you can’t afford to dine out.  This leads to the second point that INFURIATES me. “The survey also reveals that more than one-quarter of millennials, including 30 percent of younger millennials (ages 18-27), would prefer to pay more for food at restaurants instead of leaving a tip. That sentiment is also shared by one of every four Gen Xers (ages 38-53).”  Okay.  Let’s talk about this.  I’m not opposed to this increased pricing and no-tipping concept.  However, Susan (this just feels like the right name to use here), that’s not how shit is mapped out in ‘murica!  By boycotting tipping you are NOT being a god damned advocate. You’re being a god damned Chad! This isn’t a “movement” type situation.  If you stop tipping servers, do you really think the business owners are going to say “ah man!  I noticed Nicky is only getting 7% in tips as opposed to her average 20%.  Let’s raise prices and pay her a higher hourly rate!”  No, Susan, that is NOT how it’s going to pan out.  That shit isn’t changing until it's legally mandated.  I actually hope Trump suggests it so that it gets shot down instantly just like anything else he says.  Then you can shove your nontipping ass up…your ass.  You want to change the system?  Write a letter to your local congressman and try and make some waves.  Until then, maybe let me know you won’t be tipping me.  That’s totally fine.  I just want to know so I can prioritize making your Tito’s and soda and Chad’s Bud Light the same way you prioritize my lively hood.  

I get asked fairly often what a standard tip should be.  This is strictly my opinion and I will only speak on behalf of foodservice industry employees.  Tipping varies on the venue. A nice sit-down dinner with a server: 18-20% is (was) the norm for a positive dining experience.  That server is catering to your every need and seeing that all food and beverage items arrive at your table just as you requested.  Take care of them and remember you’re not their only table.  Fancy ass cocktail bar seated at the bar: I say $2 a drink is fair enough.  These mixologists are crafting some really tremendous drinks for you.  True cocktail mixology is an art.  If you’re not sure what I mean, check out this site.  Employees Only is a great bar to visit in the west village during the week.  I tried to go once on the weekend and it was filled with people that think they know the difference between Rye and Bourbon because it’s trendy.  Reminiscent of bisexual girls in the 90’s.  Same bar different story.  Anyway, these bartenders aren’t pouring you whiskey sodas.  They’re crafting art for you.  It is a science and deserved to be compensated as such.  If you tip less than $2 a drink, you should probably head down the street to any pub or saloon and get yourself a Bud Light, Chad.  

This brings me to another point regarding bar tipping vs server tipping.  20% (my goto recommendation because it truly is simple math) doesn’t always work at a bar.  

Here’s why:  Say you’re at an average pub that runs a two-dollar drink special on beers.  If you’re with a few friends and you have a bill consisting of 20 $2 Miller High Life bottles, that’s a $40 tab, right?  Twenty percent of $40 is $8. You just tipped me twenty cents on each beer that I served you.  This is a tipping error I grant some leeway to because most people might not realize that that’s how it breaks down.  Percentage tipping is so ingrained in our minds.  I used to work for a company that had multiple locations.  I preferred some locations over others because they had a more “cash based clientele.”  This meant I was being handed at least a dollar on every round ordered as opposed to twenty percent on the other credit run tabs.  What should you take from this?  One dollar per drink (or round if you’re drinking boilermakers or something as simple).  I don’t think that’s too much to ask.  After all, I made sure that beer was stocked and cold, I didn’t keep you waiting for service, I smiled and treated you with respect, and I worked on my feet all night keeping a positive attitude for twenty cents per drink tips.  When in doubt, remember this: “TIPS: To Insure Prompt Service.”

****ordering****

If you haven’t figured out what you want to drink on the journey to the bar, don’t try and grab my attention and then panicked awkwardly order a “Titos and vodka with a lime,” Susan.  You really have no idea how many times I’ve heard that drink ordered.  Get your shit together before you annoyingly wave me down.  A good bartender will work their bar in “circles” or “down the line.”  This is the proper way to make sure you don’t miss any guests that have been waiting and it’s also a signal to the patrons that the bartender is making their way down the line and will come to you in order.  So, when you shout my name to give me your groups’ order, I internally wish STD’s upon you and your mother.  Not even just because I know you don’t have a complete order.  GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER! Ordering a jack and coke from me is fine.  Ordering a second one as I hand you the first is annoying.  Adding a beer to that order when I come back the second time in the same transaction is fucking disgraceful and you don’t deserve to have any friends.  Oh and also, water is a drink.  I’m not saying it as in I expect a tip (although that’s nice when people tip on nonalcoholic drinks), I’m saying it as a reminder that ordering “three glasses of water, no ice” with your aforementioned jack and cokes and bud light is the proper way to do it.  Not when you’re signing your credit card slip after I’ve gone back and forth serving you three times.  We both know you wanted the waters but you were too embarrassed to ask for them all at the same time.  Well, fuck you…let me judge you and be efficient at my job. 

****Order Responsibly****

Normally in a PSA this means to not drink over your tolerance limit.  Where I REALLY don’t want to dissuade you from following that advice, I mean something different here.  It’s relatively assumed that “he who orders pays.”  I know you’re trying to look cool for that cute girl or maybe even doing a solid for that friend at the bar, but in the big picture, you’re not.  There’s always that awkward moment where I assume you’re paying, they assume you’re paying and you assume you’re not.  Just shut up next time and let the bar work the way it's intended to.  You’re going to help avoid an awkward moment for all parties involved.

Speaking of drink orders.  When someone offers to buy you a round or back up your drink, upgrading is a real dick move.  What does that mean?  If you’re drinking one of those $2 Miller High Life bottles and someone offers to buy you a drink and you order a Long Island Iced Tea, you’re a real piece of shit.  ********

“Sorry we have a $15 dollar minimum”

Those words are said today because of all the Chad’s and Susans in the world.  Yeah, it may have started because of service fees for credit cards.  To some extent, that still may be the reason in some places.  Mostly though, it's because you’re fucking annoying ordering a drink and asking to run the card every time.  I am fully capable of running the card for $10.  I choose not to because I hate you.  The amount of time wasted and uncompensated is ridiculous on running credit cards because “*giggle* I’m afraid I’ll forget it.  I always forget it.”  You being a forgetful drunk idiot is not my problem.  Maybe it’s time for you to do some introspective evaluations of yourself if you’re forgetting your card so many times that it is now a fear of yours.  

****You are not the most important guest****

Using more than one bartender to order. Selfish, Susan. Really stinking’ selfish.  The amount of people I encounter daily that think the world revolves around them is unreal. If you’re ordering for a group and you started ordering with “bartender A” don’t flag “bartender B” down and prevent them from helping others.

Thanks for sticking through this long-winded entry.  I could go on for three more pages, but I’m assuming you’re over my bitterness by now.  I feel I’ve hit all the most important parts, but stay tuned for a part two.  Even if this changes one bad habit in one awful person, I feel like I’ve put a little more good out into the world.

via GIPHY