#POOOOOOOOP

So thanks to Sophia VonShut I have this reputation on CB for loving poop. Basically cause she's a cunt. Let's be real here. Who doesn't love a good poop story.  While I personally have no great poop stories (which does make me nervous because that just means it's yet to come 🤦🏻‍♀️) I figured I could share some poop stories that have been shared with me. (All names have been changed juuuust in case I'm ever found in here.)

Let's start with poor Ben. Poor poor Ben. Ben was a guy that just wanted love. Not into one night stands. He was all about the end game. We would go out and I'd play wingman for him and girls liked him but nothing ever really stuck for him. I'm not sure why. He was a little crazy (which is why I never dated him) but who isn't. One day he calls me to tell me he took a girl home from the bar for a one night stand. It was a great night for Ben. Great sex and cuddles from what he remembered after a night of heavy drinking. As he is telling me this story he can't stop laughing.

"What's so funny Ben?"

"Well 'Nicky' when I woke up she was gone..."

"Yeah I've done the fuck and roll too. We all have. What's funny about that?"

"I woke up and she was gone and my bed was covered in shit."

"Oh. My. God. Noooo! She shit the bed?!"

"Unless she Shit into my boxers, nope. I just wish I knew if she left before or after this apparent explosion. I'm telling you..it was everywhere."

At this point I'm in tears laughing. He bumped into her one night at a bar in the city and they didn't even exchange a wave. My bet is that he shit allll over her. That poor poor girl. 

What a crappy one night stand. 

Next we have Leah's grandmother. Leah, like the majority of her family, is a bit eccentric. Needless to say there is always a great story after family events. Let's revisit Christmas eve in the early 2000's. The family is waiting for her aunt and grandmother to arrive at midnight mass and begin to worry when the ladies are more than 20 mins late. It's very unlike them and they had confirmed leaving the house earlier on their way to church. Phone calls are being made and left unanswered. Halfway through mass Leah's aunt arrives and joins the family sans grandmother. It's noticed that Auntie isn't wearing stockings with her Christmas outfit. This is pretty uncommon at Christmas time in the north east cause it's fucking cold here in late December. Obviously during mass the missing matriarch and missing hosiery can't be discussed or you end up having to say a whole bunch of Hail Marys or some shit. Who knows. After mass the questions come. Grandmother is in the car waiting for the family. 

Seems that on the way to church grandmother was touched by an Christmas angel. Saint Diarrhea. Narrowly escaping the car's interior and making it onto the lawn of some unsuspecting suburbanite, grandmother expelled her own "Yule log" right next to a beautiful holiday manger. Rather than sacrificing the robes of baby Jesus, which I'm sure warrants at least some sort of Catholic reperation, Aunt Kimmie's pantyhose gave the job a valiant unsuccessful attempt. Poor grandmother couldn't even come into the church after the ordeal. Why they didn't just go home rather than leaving her in the car with the windows cracked like a dog I will never understand. Merry Shitsmas!

Then there was Anna. Poor poor Anna. Anna and I were drinking at a local bar celebrating some sort of local sports win I'm sure. Many shots and beers in, complaining of a tummy ache, she excused herself to use the bathroom. She came back the the bar very sheepishly and informed me it was time for us to leave and move onto the next one. It seems she underestimated the power of her anus. Many girls hover when the pee in a public restroom. Well Anna though she could hover shit. You know what you should NEVER try?? A goddamned hover shit. The holes just don't line up the same and you apparently projectile Shit on the walls and back of the toilet. I was laughing so hard that I almost couldn't breathe as she described this situation to me. She tried her best to scoop and flush away the evidence, but fear of being discovered rushed her out of the bathroom stall and building.  We never discussed it again. "One tequila! Two tequila! Three tequila (Shit on) floor!!"

Night night! Sleep tight!  Keep those buttcheeks tight! 😘💩